Record Number of Americans Express Newfound Love for Edging
THE POLLS — The sexual practice known as “edging” has taken the world by storm in recent years, urging the sensually curious to explore the limits of their pleasure. Also known as the “stop-start method,” edging allows curiosity and arousal to rise to a peak before promptly halting fulfilled satisfaction.
The outcome of the 2020 election seems to be following a similar course of action, seducing even the most innocent of viewers as they await the upcoming result.
“The delayed gratification of edging is what makes it worth it to me,” Molly Klein (MCAS `22) told the Classic. Klein, a first time voter, reported showing up to polls twenty minutes before they closed “for the thrill,” despite incessant social media messaging urging her to do the opposite.
CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News have all become the primary sources of this election erotica, and students all over campus are tuning in to watch the results come in. “It’s the reluctance to call Florida for me. Every time I get close, she [Rachel Maddow] pulls away… it’s driving me absolutely nuts,” reported Chris Stoke (CSOM `23).
The sexual tension on campus has risen to record-breaking highs, and professors school-wide have canceled classes for Wednesday, fearing their lectures might interrupt the moment of national climax.
Though some Americans have complained that they can’t handle more stimulation, the majority of the BC electorate polled by the Classic reported enhanced excitement and anticipation as the tease draws on further and further into the night. As the nation enters into the final phases of the election, the Classic urges all readers to buckle up for the ride of a lifetime as Americans go longer than ever before, awaiting the abject misery of the declaration of 2020’s President-Elect.