CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an... Read more

MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of... Read more

LYONS HALL — Tomorrow, Quincy Fitzgerald (CSOM ‘20) will submit a withdrawal form to Boston College Student Services after losing a game of odds, 1 to 1000. Fitzgerald and his roommates, Corbin Godfrey (CSOM ‘20) and Preston Graham (LSOE ‘20), hosted a pre-game at their house on Foster Street... Read more

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more

GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this... Read more