The New England Classic
Career Fair Rigged Against Humanities Major
CORCORAN COMMONS — After circling the bustling Heights Room during the Spring Career Fair several times, sophomore English major Hannah Ping came to the realization that the Fair had been deliberately and purposefully planned to not help her internship search at all. “This is ridiculous!” cried Ping, who is currently... Read more
Student Happy To Be Reunited With Constant Anxiety After Relaxing Winter Break
STAYER HALL — Having spent the past three weeks in a relatively calm state of mind, junior Matthew Angstrom (MCAS ‘18) reported that he was happy to finally reunite with his constant anxiety this week. While admitting that he enjoyed having some time apart from his existential dread during... Read more
Overinvolved Sophomore Finally Busy Enough To Forget Crippling Loneliness

“Now I’m only sad right before I go to bed, and that’s only if I’m not too exhausted to fall asleep before I have time to reflect on how unhappy I am!”

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BC Places 1% of Freshmen on Georgia State’s Newton Campus
NEWTON CAMPUS — It’s early August, and that means that first year housing assignments are now live! For the many freshmen who have been placed on Upper campus, this is a time for celebration—a computer system has randomly decided to make you cool. No, seriously, it’s as simple as... Read more
BC Orientation Takes New, More Realistic Approach

“We’ve redesigned Orientation to prepare students for the numerous disappointments that they inevitably will be forced to deal with by the end of their first semester.”

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2150 Earnestly Hoping To Be Named After Old, Rich Donor Or Jesuit
COMM AVE — With summer quickly approaching and the fall semester on deck, the final touches are being put on Boston College RA’s newest hunting ground: the 2150 Commonwealth Avenue Residence Hall. Among other things, the state-of-the-art dormitory will feature a coffee bar, multiple bathrooms per suite, and terrific... Read more
BC Athletics Downgrades ‘SuperFans’ to ‘OkayFans’

Consistent mediocrity appears to be SuperFan’s kryptonite.

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Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

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Juniors Desperately Praying To Live In Cramped Shithole

“I want to do terrible things inside that tiny domicile that I will not be able to get away with in the real world, when my JP Morgan internship inevitably turns into a full-time offer!”

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Study: “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” BC’s Most Common Party Theme
MCGUINN HALL — A groundbreaking anthropology study released Sunday morning revealed that Boston College’s most commonly used party theme is “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.” This finding stunned researchers, who initially hypothesized that “Flannels and Handles” or “Plex Bros and Yoga Hoes” was the favorite party theme of undergraduate Eagles.... Read more