The New England Classic
Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion

Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion

Student Life November 13, 2018 The New England Classic

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater... Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time.

According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege took place at approximately 1700 hours, immediately following a weekly classified briefing with United States Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis in Washington. After returning to Main Campus via helicopter air-drop, the cadets played an intense game of beach volleyball on the shores of the Chestnut Hill Reservoir, also known as the Res.

According to the same report, a torpedo exploded on the biking and walking path surrounding the Res, interrupting the commemorative volleyball game.

“In that instant, my boys – by which I mean my fellow men and women in NROTC Unit Boston Consortium – sprang into action,” said James O’Fallon (MCAS ‘21), one of the cadets.

Various classified military documents obtained by The Classic showed that the NROTC had several nuclear submarines already stationed in the Res at the time of the attack, disguised to look like geese above the surface of the water, which the cadets boarded. A twenty-minute long underwater battle ensued between the junior Naval cadets and German forces.

The student cadets did not sustain casualties, but a report issued jointly by the Pentagon and the Office of University Communications stated that the enemy had been “sliced up like little pieces of kielbasa.”

“Many students don’t understand that Boston College students in the NROTC actually engage in battles like this everyday,” said University Spokesman Jack Dunn at a press conference the next day.

It was not immediately clear if Dunn’s message was meant to imply that students regularly engage in large-scale tactical warfare on the Boston College campus, or if such “battles” might also consist of day-to-day academic and social pressures.

At press time, several Reservoir geese were under investigation for pledging loyalty to German Kaiser Wilhelm II.