Virus Going Around On Campus Really Making Most Of Its College Experience
GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes.
“At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this weekend was great! I was all over so many handles of Rubi, and I’m in a ton of BC Makeouts videos, too. You might have to squint, but I’m definitely in there. Just don’t tell my mom.”
While some other new students are still figuring out their social circles, the community collectively has embraced the virus with open arms. “My roommates and I are so sick,” coughed congested freshman Lilly Maloney. “Literally everyone is dying: Newton kids, upper kids, lower kids, off-campus kids, even professors are canceling class because they’re so sick.”
Only a few months into school, the virus has expressed concerns over its ever-growing popularity. “I worry that I’m spreading myself too thin. It’s not easy having such an infectious personality. After a while, it can really wear you down.”
At press time, the virus was seen in Health Services, laughing hysterically at a brown bag of off-brand Ibuprofen and over-the-counter cough syrup.