Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen.
Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00 AM. By that time, the telltale rash had appeared, and Health Services staff confirmed the infection was, in fact, smallpox. They immediately went to work treating it.
“We’ve never had a student come in with an illness like this before,” said Dr. Christine Barkley (MCAS ‘78), “so we decided to stick with our tried-and-true treatment plan for sick students.”
This plan consisted of giving Warren a brown paper bag filled to the brim with off-brand ibuprofen, and then sending him on his way, advising him to “take those until you feel better.”
Incredibly, Warren reported that all symptoms of his smallpox had completely vanished after one day of consuming only ibuprofen and blue Powerade. Members of the Health Services staff were unsurprised at the treatment’s success.
When asked about this groundbreaking treatment for a centuries old disease, Dr. Barkley said “I mean, it’s worked to cure countless cases of strep throat and norovirus. Why should smallpox be any different?”
At press time, an unidentified Health Services staff member was seen lining up red bottles of cough syrup in preparation for the impending flu season.