The New England Classic
Father Leahy Seen Carrying $15 Million Dollar-Shaped Bag Out Of Conte After Pops

His usual black sports coat and white collar were replaced with a striped black and white jumpsuit and a cat burglar mask. Witnesses recall seeing him tiptoe around campus and make an exaggerated shushing motion whenever he was spotted.

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Parents Weekend Revelations! So That’s Why My Roommate Is Like That

Oh? Your roommate cries when someone raises their voice at them in the kitchen? I think we know where she got that one…her name is Tracy and she runs a tight ship on Thanksgiving.

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“Let’s Do a Silly One”: Coach Hafley on his Strategy for Upcoming Game

When asked to elaborate, Hafley said “You know, like a goofy one. It means you can do whatever you want as long as it’s appropriate! You can stick your tongue out or give someone bunny ears, as long as it doesn’t hurt his feelings.”

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Hey You! Yeah You! Everyone Can Hear Your Music Through Your Headphones!
WHEREVER YOU ARE RIGHT NOW—Wow! You must be sooooooo embarrassed. Haven’t you noticed that everyone is looking at you right now? No, it’s actually really funny. Literally everyone who has ever existed on the face of this vast earth can hear your music blasting through your headphones right now. ... Read more
Windexgate: Schiller’s Sinister Secrets Spilled

We finally started to see what was in front of our eyes the whole time. It was all smoke and mirrors. Classroom after classroom, that blue yet delectable liquid.

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The Google 2-Step Rapture Is Here: No One Is Safe
WHEREVER THEY KEEP THE BC TECH PEOPLE— Students and faculty alike have been frantically saving their gmail passwords and kissing their loved ones goodbye in preparation for the most anticipated event of the month: The Google 2-Step Rapture. As made abundantly clear by BC Technology Services, the rapture is... Read more
Jeff Hafley Changes BC Football Slogan To “Everyone’s A Winner”

The players seem to have a positive outlook on next year’s season. According to a survey distributed by The Classic, the team describes the upcoming rebrand as “cool, I guess,” “what does rebrand mean,” and “as long as i get the scooter idc.”

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BC Snubbed from First CFP Rankings Despite Statement Wins Against Colgate, UMass

“These kids worked so hard to get where we are this season,” said Hafley, “Frankly, any team that dropped 50 points on that Colgate defense is undeniably one of the best 25 teams in the nation.”

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Stokes Set: How Bryce Vine Lost His Way
UNKNOWN LOCATION—It’s finally here. The day of Stokes Set, the first since the 2019-2020 academic year. Our esteemed CAB has sorted through and selected only the best, most qualified artist to perform to the masses of Eagles—the guy they hired for Plexapalooza before it got canceled. Bryce Vine will... Read more
Weirdo Gets Power Trip From Pressing Walsh Elevator Buttons
Walsh Hall— Last Friday night, during the peak hours of elevator usage in Walsh Hall, many students reported that a sick, sick man was standing in the elevator asking people what floor they were getting off on. At first it seemed the man was just being polite, but when... Read more