Weirdo Gets Power Trip From Pressing Walsh Elevator Buttons
Walsh Hall— Last Friday night, during the peak hours of elevator usage in Walsh Hall, many students reported that a sick, sick man was standing in the elevator asking people what floor they were getting off on. At first it seemed the man was just being polite, but when he rode all the way up to the 8th floor and didn’t get off, students realized something was amiss.
According to Otis Lift (MCAS ‘24) “This kid would laugh maniacally as he pressed the buttons, at first I thought it was because I said something, but as he pressed more buttons the laugh grew louder and more powerful. Scary fucking stuff, man.”
The sicko in the elevator is apparently named Eli Vader (CSOM ‘24). He was seen shoving sophomores away from the buttons so he could scan his card and say “What floor?”
“I think it started as him trying to be a nice guy,” said Vader’s roommate William Ascensor (LSOE ‘24). “Unfortunately I think the power of chivalry has started to go to his head. I mean, we all love to press all the elevator buttons for every person in the elevator but he’s really taken it too far.”
Witnesses claim that each time Vader presses a button for an innocent passerby, he breathes in deeply and his eyes glow red. One witness reported that he started to levitate and control the elevator with his mind.
When the Classic reached out to Eli Vader for comment, all that could be heard was deep breathing and the ding of the elevator.
At presstime Vader was seen in the elevator hovering above the ground, asking “WHAT FLOOR?” with the voice of an Old Testament angel.