UNKNOWN LOCATION—It’s finally here. The day of Stokes Set, the first since the 2019-2020 academic year. Our esteemed CAB has sorted through and selected only the best, most qualified artist to perform to the masses of Eagles—the guy they hired for Plexapalooza before it got canceled. Bryce Vine will definitely be performing this time, 100% for sure. Hmm… actually maybe more like 85%, we don’t know what could happen…
1. Maloney elevator
In this case, Vine is only 3 minutes and 11 seconds later than scheduled, as he was stuck in a horde of sophomores trying to take the most scenic and least labor-intensive path to Stokes Lawn, the elevator up Maloney Hall and the stairs through O’Neill Library. “Hey everyone, I need to get through, I’m Bryce Vine!” he pleaded. While the crowd believed him, many of these sophomores had missed out on Stokes Set tickets and pettily refused to let him go unless he performed his hit single, “Drew Barrymore”.
2. Went to Newton
His printer ran out of ink so he was under the impression that he was performing “Stu Set”. The panini line was really long, and then the Newton bus he was riding happened to hit a freshman. Allegedly, the bus driver referred to the “accident” as population control, which deeply disturbed Vine. He reportedly could not wrap his mind around why there were so many freshmen at Boston College, but could definitely wrap his mouth around another delicious bite of panini.
3. Swimming in the Res
We are retrieving him from the ER now. This one’s a little dark; the sun was setting over the Res, it was so pretty he just had to dip his toesies in. That’s when a flock of geese swarmed him, detecting hints of leftover Stu panini wafting from his pocket. Vine attempted to appease them by performing “Drew Barrymore”, but there is no appeasing the geese.
4. Lost in the Stacks
When notified that the majority of Boston College students don’t actually know how to read, therefore eliminating the need for more than one “library”, which is more of a glorified cinder block with chairs inside, Bryce Vine set out to look for a book, any book, to read onstage and enlighten the student body. He’s still looking.
5. Looking for a Fork
Feeling hungry again after losing half of his panini in a fight with the resident water-fowl on campus, Vine ventured down to Lower Dining Hall where he was served a most delicious tortellini bowl. After finding no available cutlery, he tried to eat with a knife, which was “really hard and took me a long time because the tortellinis were really slippery,” said Vine.
6. Consoling a Student
Our hero, Bryce Vine, was making his way downtown, walking fast, when he passed by Fay L. Test (MCAS ’23) breaking down on a bench in front of O’Neill. He paused to make sure she was ok and ended up sharing each others’ life stories. It was a beautiful moment in a large sea of chaos. When Test’s tears were spent, they got up, shook hands and parted ways. Except Vine went the opposite direction from Stokes Lawn and was too embarrassed to turn around.
7. Office Hours
Stumbling around the maze that is Stokes North, Vine found himself in an unknown Philosophy professor’s office. It being their office hours, the professor invited Vine to sit and chat about the state of his soul. 25 minutes later, Vine was reportedly seen sobbing in the Stokes bridge chairs, experiencing catharsis for the first time in a long long time.
Someone with sinister intentions created such a cozy and inviting atmosphere in his hotel room that Bryce Vine slept the day away. There have been no official reports on the identity of the criminals who robbed us of Stokes Set yet again, but an anonymous tip suggests that the president of the Music Guild was seen unloading an essential oil diffuser from their car. The Music Guild has historically rallied to have Stokes Set be a scaled-up version of their weekly Open Mic events, so that all students, not just those trying to leave Lower Dining Hall, may be serenaded by the moody strums of a million guitars. Perhaps this year was the final straw.
9. Starting to Think We’re Just Getting Stood Up
10. Walking up the Million Dollar Stairs
Reports say he heard the echo of his own footsteps and got worried there was someone walking right behind him, but just a little faster. Vine tried to walk faster, feeling the panic rise in his chest. He just got a little winded, and the betrayal when he found out he was a respectable distance away from other stair-walkers knocked his spirit to the ground. Vine was last spotted catching his breath at the landing in the stairs in front of the golden eagle sculptures.