Father Leahy Seen Carrying $15 Million Dollar-Shaped Bag Out Of Conte After Pops

LITTLE BIG TOWN – Parent’s Weekend 2023 was full of success; a BC football win, plenty of DILFs and MILFs to ogle at, and even a free trip to the grocery store with mom and dad! But perhaps the largest win came on Friday night at the annual Pops on the Heights concert. This concert featured many student performers, the Boston Pops orchestra, and real band Little Big Town. The event raised a record fifteen million dollars, which is enough to pay for 750 Espresso Your Faith Banners, which is a lot but less than you would expect (each banner costs $20,000). 

After the collection tins had been passed around at the concert and the fifteen million dollars in cash had been counted, all the money was placed into a large safe. The safe was then encased in a larger safe, wrapped in a burrito from Addie’s, locked in a cage, behind a laser maze, guarded by Baldwin Junior, smothered in stinky goop, and buried deep in the bowels of Conte Forum to ensure that no one would be able to access the money before it could be properly allocated.

But lo’! When BC officials unearthed the safe Monday morning to retrieve the money, there was none to be seen! Who could commit such a dastardly deed, who might mastermind such methods to misappropriate the money with much malfeasance, what sly sinister specter could sneakily sweep the sweet savings right from under our collective smelling snouts? None other than William P. Leahy SJ. 

Leahy was caught in the act of sneaking out of Conte shortly after the concert had ended, daintily tiptoeing out of the forum with a $15 million-shaped bag slung over his shoulder. His usual black sports coat and white collar were replaced with a striped black and white jumpsuit and a cat burglar mask. Witnesses recall seeing him tiptoe around campus and make an exaggerated shushing motion whenever he was spotted.

Boston College has since hired a 1920s film noir-style detective with a large trench coat and fedora to track down Leahy and the money.

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