The New England Classic
10 Nasty Things About Jeff Hafley That We Just Made Up
THE NEC NEWSROOM, ONTARIO, CANADA — Now folks, if we may, we’d like to be straight with you for a moment. Here at The New England Classic, we’ve made a killing on the gaffes Boston College’s top people make each day. But god damn it, we just can’t find... Read more
OP-ED: A Perfectly Normal Tuesday
Well, I can’t seem to explain it really — compared to the commotion of most others days so far, today’s shaping up to be about as perfectly ordinary as it gets. Perhaps I should elaborate. My alarm went off at seven, as it usually does. I snoozed it just... Read more
Spooky: Roommate Seriously Considering Sexy RBG Costume
WALSH HALL — Recent reports from multiple Walsh residents have confirmed that local roommate and VSCO girl Sarah Sleshinger was seriously considering a “sexy RBG” costume for this Halloween. The costume, consisting of only the little white collar-thing and a gavel in the shape of a penis, was purchased... Read more
Spooky: Mike@Mac Is Your New Stepdad
McELROY COMMONS— Senior Stephen Kelly (‘21) got more than he paid for at his most recent trip to McElroy Commons. Kelly, who usually frequents Lower Dining Hall or his own 2150 Kitchen, found himself in the Upper campus eatery to grab a quick chicken and two sides after his... Read more
Pumpkin Sues BC EMS For Botched Surgery
GABELLI HALL — Dreams of a blissful thot-umn were thrown into uncertainty when news broke that Doctorina Miami (CSON ‘22), Vice President of Boston College EMS, was being sued for medical malpractice and emotional distress by a pumpkin she carved earlier this week. “I was just trying to be... Read more
Op-Ed: I Am Madly In Love With The Single Weird Tiny Fully Finished Piece of The Schiller Center

For weeks, I’d spend my days sitting in its shadow telling it about my day or just admiring its smooth, supple stone and powerful frame. The courageous independence of its existence.

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Fuckboy Would Date You If It Weren’t For “Everything Going on Right Now”

“Marley later clarified that he does not believe COVID-19 will impact his ability to hook up with you, just his emotional availability. As Boston College cracked down on the number of guests allowed in each place of residence, Marley felt it was only right to enforce a strict no-sleepover policy at his place starting Saturday. “

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Op-Ed: A Perfectly Normal Day
Happy Thursday, October 15, Boston College! Boy, isn’t today normal? The first thing I did after getting out of bed was brush my teeth with a little Colgate®️ Optic White toothpaste. Then, I took my morning shower and changed into a casual outfit. To finish off my morning routine,... Read more
New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more