The New England Classic
Wait, Do You Guys Actually All Have Fake IDs?

I thought fake ids were a myth – the type of thing you only see in Superbad. Like, it’s literally illegal. I’m a good kid. Sure, I like a good underage drink once in a while but identity theft?!

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Satan Visited Campus Today, And Yup, It Was Awesome

“Yep. It was awesome,“ said Tugger Moatroder (MCAS ’23).

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Confused Freshman Begins Training For Marathon Monday

But one freshman, Brent Henry (MCAS ’25), is not in-the-know. He thinks that the Marathon Monday tradition involves all BC students actually running the Boston Marathon. Last week, he began training for it.

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Run! Philosophy Student Wants To Tell You What He’s Learned
STOKES NORTH — Freshman Franny Bacon (MCAS ’25) was found virtuously engaging in Socratic discourse with literally anyone who passed him yesterday afternoon. After a few weeks in Perspectives I, Bacon reports feeling “enlightened” and possessing a newfound sense of “metaphysical contemplation.” “It’s hard to believe that I’ve never... Read more
“It’s Just the BC Throat Tickle” Says Senior Spewing Mucus In Devlin 008

“I am vaccinated. There’s nothing to worry about,” Tivacks said with her fingers crossed behind her back.

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Students Storm Field After Beating Newton North 24-20

“We’re confident that that will translate well to this week’s matchup at Clemson. In a lot of ways, Newton North and Clemson have very similar defensive styles.”

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Uhmm, Okay? Freshman Just Introduced Himself As A “Pee-Scholar”
CONNELL RECREATION CENTER —  What would have been a casual game of pick-up basketball was derailed last Thursday when one of the first-year players led with a puzzling remark. As the freshmen made small talk while waiting for a court to open, one casually referred to himself as something... Read more
“Send Stokes Set,” Pleads CAB Anonymously

CAB spokesperson Kyle Crab (MCAS ’23) responded to the allegations via Instagram story. “We take this sort of allegation very seriously,” wrote Crab of CAB. “With that being said, we’d love to see a lot of heads come out to Stokes Set this weekend so that we can justify not only our exorbitant operating budget but also our outright existence as an organization.”

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Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call.

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Lynch To Add ‘CoComelon’ Studies To List Of Majors
CAMPION HALL — Students in the Lynch School of Education were shocked to see a giant anthropomorphized watermelon blocking the entrance to Campion Hall as classes resumed this week.  With the fall semester now underway, the LSOE administration has announced the addition of “CoComelon Studies” to its list of... Read more