The New England Classic
Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused
UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more
Woah! Helicopter!
BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”.   The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more
OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore?
You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more
BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”
SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more
What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask

The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact.

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University Confirms Nicotine Patches To Be Sold At Concessions
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In a controversial press release, Boston College Athletic Director Patrick Kraft announced on Saturday that the University had approved the sale of nicotine patches in Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum. The specialty patches, reportedly dubbed “EagleBuzz”, will join the 2018 inclusion of beer and wine... Read more
LTE: I Am The Tiny Door Into Eagles, And There Is No Escape
I should have been an emergency fire exit in Higgins, or a reflection room door on Newton campus. A sane man would have put me anywhere else. Instead, I am the Super Tiny Door Into Eagles.  The tastiest licks in all of BC lie behind my hinges: soup with... Read more
Report: “Hey, You’ve Got A Little Something On Your–”
STOKES LAWN — A discovery by the NEC Sandwichlight team has uncovered multiple damning reports alleging that hundreds of Boston College students have suspicious smudges of dirt on their foreheads. Reports began piling up early this morning and have not died down all day.  Junior Katy Chisim told The... Read more
O’Neill Answer Wall Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s
ST. ELIZABETH’S HOSPITAL — Following months of intensive consultations, representatives of the Thomas P. O’Neill estate announced on Monday that the famed O’Neill Library Answer Wall, which has been candidly answering anonymous questions since 2017, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. “We were deeply saddened when we received the... Read more
Campus Pizzas Rushing To Find Valentine’s Day Presents For Sophomore Girlfriends
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Valentine’s Day has once again snuck up on Boston College boyfriends. The last-minute dash for the perfect gift has flooded the aisles of CVS and the Hillside bookstore with freshmen, seniors, and pizzas.  Alyssa Ashbury (LSEHD ’22) told the Classic she usually spends the holiday alone... Read more