Following Federal Government Shutdown, UGBC Vows To Continue Doing Absolutely Nothing Hot
Big IssuesCampus Culture October 10, 2025
“Following the suit of our effective federal government,” said Munnyin Pockets (CSOM ‘28), “…We want to reassure the student body that our unique ability to accomplish absolutely nothing of substance will continue as usual.”
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Inspired By Hegseth, Leahy Brings Together All Fathers To Discuss The Jesuits Plan
Big IssuesJesuitsLeahy October 1, 2025
Inspired by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth’s recent general-summoning jamboree, University President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J., has reportedly called together every Father, Monsignor, Deacon, and vaguely-clerical-looking guy on campus for what insiders are describing as “a dry run for the Jesuits’ plan for religious world domination.”
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Poppers On The Heights: Dan & Gay Announce LGBTQ+ Resource Center
Big IssuesSex September 26, 2025
This LGBTQ+ resource center is going to sparkle and shimmer! Highlights include a coffee bar operated by non-binary baristas in a polycule, weekly Drag Race watch parties, complimentary poppers, and monthly pronoun parades.
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BC seemingly injected Botox into the Nest, in an effort to charge $3.50 more on each item of food. This gentrification has now attracted the likes of small businesses like Erewhon, a family-owned smoothie shop based in L.A.
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“The Pro-Life Club recently made waves within the BC community after the unveiling of their newest social event: the Baby Petting Zoo, featuring actual human infants ranging in age from 4 months, all the way up to 3 years old.”
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10 Tariffs To Be Enacted Over The Next Month
Big IssuesLists April 8, 2025
The New England Classic gained special access to a look at 10 of the most extreme tariffs to be enacted over the next month.
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Plainer shared her appreciation: “I never would’ve thought to take Advil for my period. Thank goodness there was a future doctor.”
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UGBC President Signs 17 Executive Orders On First Day of Administration
Big IssuesCampus CultureStudent Life March 26, 2025
In line with global political trends, the administration plans to implement projects that, in the words of one genius commentator, “make shit fucking suck even more than it already does”
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Inspired By Trump’s New Immigration Policies, Leahy Creates A Newton Travel Ban
Big IssuesFreshmenNewton March 12, 2025
“They come in here and steal everything,” said Nobe Itches, an Upper Campus freshman (CSOM ‘28). “They steal our food, our seats in class, and worst of all, they snatch our huzz.”
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“Where I was, a margarita was four dollars and I didn’t even have to tip. It’s just so awesome how they all get paid a livable wage.”
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