10 Tariffs To Be Enacted Over The Next Month

THE WHITE HOUSE — It is no secret that the Trump Administration has decimated and deconstructed not only large swaths of the federal government, but the American economy as a whole. Trump has learned the word ‘tariff,’ and seems to be flexing his newfound vocabulary any chance he gets. The New England Classic gained special access to a look at 10 of the most extreme tariffs to be enacted over the next month.

1. On all goods including currency, China to be charged 67% to the U.S.A. Two percentage points away from 69%… haha nice 
2. On all goods EXCEPT currency, pledges to be charged 44% to Sig Nu Social Chair
3. In all Core Powers, freshmen to be charged with 8000% more microplastics  
4. For each peg leg aboard, Space Pirates to be charged 8 Cyber-Doubloons
5. In my pants, I am to be charged 100% more pee
6. When in line for the bathroom at Conte Forum and a single point of any sporting event, all girls and guys must run one lap around Conte and return to their position in line. If failing to do so before the person behind you, you will be charged with streaking said sporting event wearing nothing but a fedora and a cropped priest robe
7. On all chicken, beef and sweet potatoes, meal preppers to be charged 400% less fun
8. On all marathons, runners OVER AGE 60 to be charged 20% MORE MILES
9. No, fuck that. OVER AGE 60 to be charged 60% MORE MILES. Fuck them
10. On all goods, Vietnam to be charged 8% less. “Sorry about all that, guys”

At press time, Trump has also learned the word “testicle.”

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