Tour Groups are Back! 10 Projectiles to Throw at Them
DEVLIN HALL – What rhymes with azure poop and is always in your way? That’s right! A tour group! As you may have noticed, our gilded walkways have become infested with masses of prospective Boston College Eagles. It’s about time we take back our walkways, the walkways that were made for CURRENT Boston College Eagles, not people who only maybe will become Eagles someday. RISE UP! FIGHT BACK! ARM YOURSELF WITH ONE OF THESE 10 PROJECTILES:
1. Rotten Tomatoes and Wilted Cabbage
There’s a reason that these two stinky vegetables have been public humiliation staples for so long: they really work! Head on over to your local grocery store and ask for their rotten produce and start hurling it at those touring students.
2. Assorted Marbles
Another perennial favorite for cartoonish hijinx are marbles. They are a great option for derailing a tour group. Send dozens of students comically slipping and stumbling down the million dollar stairs with this simple yet effective projectile.
3. Endless Magic Scarf
Offer to one or multiple of the touring students to pull on your seemingly normal scarf. But wait?! The scarf is really long and it just keeps coming?! How can I put this…let’s just say we’re not dealing with a normal scarf. This scarf is magic, and endless, and will absolutely baffle and amaze any tour group.
Sometimes the best projectile is a wity roast at the expense of the unassuming tour group. Walk up to the tour group and quickly shout “stupidtourgroupsaywhat?” the group will have no idea what you just said and say “what”. Imbeciles.
5. agape Latte T-Shirts
I know what you’re thinking right now. “Hey Agape Latte T-Shirts don’t sound so bad”. And to that I say, read that back again. There are not Agape Latte shirts, these are agape Latte shirts, as in wide open, gaping lattes, huge cavernous abysmal horrors.
6. Water Balloons
These projectiles come with a sinister psychological twist. Chuck some water balloons at the tour groups, then slowly back away, maintain eye contact and say: “Oh boy I sure hope I didn’t accidentally mistake my evil water balloons for my regular water balloons, guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”
7. Collectible Baldwin Russian Nesting Dolls Filled with Hornets
At first, the tour group will be delighted to have been tossed a limited edition official Baldwin the Eagle Russian Nesting Doll, but their delight will soon turn to despair as they reach the innermost nesting Baldwin and find that it is chock-full of angry hornets.
8. A Clone of Their Tour Guide
Bring tour groups to shambles by making a clone of their tour guide and inserting the clone mid-tour. They won’t be able to pay attention to the tour because the clones will start talking over each other, and because they’ve never seen a clone before.
9. Dunce Caps
No one wants to say it so I will: we all want to bring back dunce caps. How many stupid class comments could be avoided by making people wear big silly pointed hats that say dunce on them. Give them to the tour groups to assert your intellectual superiority.
10. Dying Neutron Star
Last but certainly not least, if you have a spare dying neutron star laying around throw it at a tour group. Just wait till you see the looks on the faces of the tour group as the star collapses into a black hole and begins to rip their atoms apart, HILARIOUS!