The New England Classic
Carney Hall Files Divorce Proceedings with Boston College
In a move long-expected since the completion of Stokes Hall in 2013, Carney Hall announced today its intent to go ahead with filing its divorce papers in the Middlesex County Divorce Court with Boston College, its partner in matrimony since 1963.  Citing only at first “irreconcilable differences,” later questioning... Read more
Boston College RAs Write Up Unsuspecting Neighbors in Cancun Hotel
Four friends, who happen to be Resident Advisors at Boston College, are spending their spring break at The Oasis Hotel in beautiful Cancun, Mexico. Though they welcome the hiatus from classes, they have promised not to let their vacation interfere with their duties as RAs. These heroes have taken... Read more
Students Go Rogue In Search Of “The Kirkwood Tickler”
After a semester with minimal incidents of the “Kirkwood Tickler” breaking and entering into off-campus homes, doubts are arising among Chestnut Hill residents that such a fiend actually exists. Because of this, a group of Boston College students gained school funding over winter break to begin their own Private... Read more
Fr. Bill Leahy, SJ: “I’m the most badass president in Boston”

“We’re having school today, and I’m fucking amped about it. A little snow never hurt anyone.”

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Letter of Condolences to the Victims and their Families at Charlie Hebdo
As fellow satirical writers, is not often that we take a moment and look at the world seriously, but in light of the events today, we felt obligated to address the horrific tragedy that occurred today in Paris.  We at The New England Classic would just like to send... Read more
BCPD Stops Alleged “Die-In” Protest at 3:47am in Bapst
157 Boston College students are under investigation for staging a die-in protest in Bapst Library. Boston College, which recently punished students for harmlessly laying down and practicing their right to protest in St. Mary’s, has been on red alert lately. “We’re really keeping a vigilant eye out for inappropriate... Read more
Freshmen Use Generic Names for New Friends When Memory Fails
Citing their frustration at having to learn the different names of so many people, Boston College freshmen have resolved to call every one of their new friends either Dan or Madison, depending on gender. “It became clear to me within the first week here that learning all these names... Read more
Sandwich Bursts Into 21st Century
“It’s incredible!” yelled one student. “Holy shit! It looks so good!” praised another. “ is so fresh, yo! 10/10 would bang!” yaked a freshman. “Wassup, bitches!?” said The Sandwich, spokesman for The New England Classic. “I have arrived!” At 5:09 PM on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014, The New England... Read more