Carney Hall Files Divorce Proceedings with Boston College
In a move long-expected since the completion of Stokes Hall in 2013, Carney Hall announced today its intent to go ahead with filing its divorce papers in the Middlesex County Divorce Court with Boston College, its partner in matrimony since 1963. Citing only at first “irreconcilable differences,” later questioning from the judge presiding over the case revealed a troubling history of neglect towards the building by its affluent, maroon-and-gold spouse.
“Look, I know you’re busy and you have other things that are important, but I’ve been there for you for over 40 years! Now look at me, I’m old, falling apart, and you won’t even look at me anymore. It’s like I don’t even exist! I got past the fact that you built me facing the wrong way because you wanted to look at my ass, but now that you spent all that money on Stokes, I feel like we both know where your interests lie. Go ahead, Boston College, give all of your love and time to Stokes. When’s the last time a tour guide walked through my halls? 1971. I think a divorce is the best thing for all of us, and we’ll all be happier in the long-run,” remarked Carney Hall through a stream of
leaks from its neglected windows tears.
When asked about its future after the divorce, Carney insisted that it would be “hiting up the gym as much as possible” so that its “architecture looks better than ever and Boston College is lividly jealous when I head over to Pine Manor College.” Carney also hinted about using some of the “metric shit-ton” of cash gotten from Boston College in the divorce settlement on some cosmetic surgery; however, doctors warned Carney that it may be too late.
At press time, Carney was buying stuff for its new apartment at The Container Store and talking to its lawyer about the best way to get custody of the kids on the weekends.