Students Go Rogue In Search Of “The Kirkwood Tickler”
After a semester with minimal incidents of the “Kirkwood Tickler” breaking and entering into off-campus homes, doubts are arising among Chestnut Hill residents that such a fiend actually exists. Because of this, a group of Boston College students gained school funding over winter break to begin their own Private Investigation Club designed to track down the Tickler and reveal his (or her) true identity.
Headed by Zapf Dingbat, A&S ’17, the students are leaving no stone unturned as they explore all possible rumors of who, what, and where the Kirkwood Tickler could be.
“Most students think that the obvious first place to look would be the realtor offices where they have all the keys for the off-campus apartments,” remarked Dingbat. “But we figured that once you’ve signed the overpriced lease to your deserted barn that you call a house, most realtors will stop screwing you over. We’re awaiting confirmation on this from the folks at the realtor offices in Cleveland Circle.”
Blurry photographs and wild eyewitness accounts are all that the group has to work with in their quest to identify the Tickler, and their job is not being made much easier by the appearance of a copycat, the so-called “Hipster Tickler.” This man, who goes by “Fr. Bill Fahey”, is reportedly breaking into on-campus offices with the stated goal of tickling professors necks while they sit at their desks because “it’s not mainstream brah!” Investigations into this matter are still ongoing.
While Dingbat’s group is no closer to revealing the Tickler’s identity than the BC student population is to finding a kicker who can make extra points, one can only assume that it will just be a matter of time before the Tickler slips up and is caught.
“One day, we will find ‘Kirkie,’ as we call him, and all of the doubters will finally be proven wrong! HE’S REAL! WE KNOW IT!” remarked Dingbat while sipping on his Bud Light Platinum™.