BREAKING: Part Two of THE PATH Revealed
Big IssuesCampus CultureDrinking November 10, 2023 The New England Classic
CHESTNUT HILL 一 For avid fans of the Boston College football team, the ACC Championship has always been a pipe dream. Between losing to Northern Illinois and losing their scooter privileges, the Boston College Football program has had a tough few years. However, this year, ACC is starting to stand for something new for Boston College fans – Actually Could Cualify!
In an intricate marketing campaign and attempt to get fans to stay past Mr. Brightside, Jeff Hafley and his groupies have developed a statistically advanced breakdown of what it takes to get to the ACC Championship.
Sure, you might have seen the first page of #THEPATH, which includes things like the Eagles having to win out the league and Virginia having to beat Louisville in the games this weekend, but little did readers know that there was an entire second side of #THEPATH. Luckily, the Classic was able to get their hands on the additional instructions for the Path. Below is a complete rundown of everything that needs to happen in order for us to have a chance at the ACC playoffs:
- Father Leahy is revealed as D.B. Cooper
- JonBenet Ramsey’s brother admits to what he did.
- Swim and Dive gets reinstated
- 38,572 students say WE’RE SO BACK before kickoff Saturday. No more, no less
- My ex finally goes to therapy
- The TikTok witches unite and simultaneously manifest over the livestream for victory
- Hafley tucks a rose quartz under his pillow the night before
- Wendy Williams eats crow (again)
- Core Power inflation reaches $10
- The Amazing Spider-Man with Andrew Garfield gets a third movie
- Michael passes his MCAT
As you can see, it’s a simple equation that will surely lead us down THE PATH and to victory. At press time, Jeff Hafley and the Boston College Football Team were seen comically biting their fingernails in anticipation of tomorrow’s game.
