Due To Warm Weather, UCS Starts Support Group For Canada Goose Owners

GASSON QUAD — With global temperatures on the rise, University Counseling Services (UCS) has decided it’s time to help who they believe to be the most victimized group on campus: people with Canada Goose jackets.

“This warm weather has gotten really concerning lately,” said Sue Warm (CSOM ’25). “It shouldn’t be 65 degrees in November– it’s just not natural. We are biologically inclined to be wearing our Canada Goose jackets at this time of the year. Repressing this instinct is making us all feel super depressed. I’m so depressed, I’ve only been using Olaplex steps 3-5. I’m too depressed to even use steps 6-9.”

In response to these cries for help, UCS added a new resource for those who are struggling: a weekly support group. Each week, Canada Goose owning students are invited to meet with a team of high-quality therapists and counselors.

“We focus on teaching these kids problem-solving and healthy coping,” said Dr. Fay Key, a leading psychologist in the group. “This time of the year can be especially challenging and stressful for people with Canada Goose jackets. It’s heartbreaking to watch, knowing that it’s not these kids’ fault – they didn’t ask for their parents to buy them the jacket. They were just forced into this unfair life, and now they have to deal with it. We do what we can.”

In the support group, Dr. Key leads the patients in various tried and true psychological exercises, such as Excessive Complaining, Throwing Money At Problems, and Blaming Your Parents For Every Minor Inconvenience.

Meanwhile, non-Canada Goose owners haven’t taken kindly to the new resource. “I’ve been trying to get a counselor for my seasonal affective disorder since winter of freshman year,” said Itso Kay (MCAS ’24). “I heard there was some sort of support group, so I tried to join but I couldn’t show ‘proof of Goose ownership,’ so the guy in charge called me a lame-o and told me to get lost. And then he still flipped around an iPad and asked if I’d like to leave a tip. I was so upset, I only left 10%.”

At press time, Dr. Key was explaining to students that their dads cannot file a lawsuit against Mother Nature.

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

Do Not Stand Idly By As BC Destroys Its Finest Cultural Institution Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day” Five Things To Talk About Now That The Election Is Over, And They’re All The Rat Line Warning: Couples Are Gonna Get Snowballed