Bzzz! CAB Pledge Orders Wrong Type Of Roses

STOKEZZZ LAWN — Campus Activity Board (CAB) hosted its annual Bouquet Making event this Monday on Stokes Lawn. Students lined up for hours, hoping and praying for more than sunflowers and lettuce shreds by the time it was their turn to make an arrangement. Given the success of the first bouquet event, CAB decided to host another flower event for the week after Fall Break. 

CAB Pledge Thomas Bates (CSOM ’30) told the Classic he was initially “pressed” to be tasked with purchasing flowers for the next bouquet making event. However, when Mr. Bates’ superior told him that “single ladies love this event” and he should “only order roses,” Bates began to pick up on what was going on.

Bates promptly ordered 5,000 of Temu’s finest Rose Toys. Understanding that Temu orders can take weeks to arrive, Mr. Bates opted for expedited delivery. As a result, the shipment of roses arrived this morning, traveling via seaplane and landing in the Chestnut Hill Reservoir at 3:45 AM Tuesday morning. Bates oversaw the relocation of the roses to CAB’s floral refrigerator. However, the cold temperature led to a large-scale electrical malfunction, causing the toys to vibrate all at once, “cauzzzing intenzzze buzzzing noizzzezzz acrozzz campuzzz.” 

Despite efforts by the Classic to retrieve CAB p-card statements, it is still unknown how much Mr. Bates’s misunderstanding cost the campus community. However, all is not lost. The students behind “Free Condom Friday” will now begin hosting “Tantalizzzing Touchy Toy Tuezzzday” to deal with the excess devices.

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