Impossible! Guy With 1000 LinkedIn Connections Has No Emotional Support Network
Student LifeWTF September 12, 2024 The New England Classic
BLACKROCK APPLICATION PAGE — While the start of the semester has meant the reunion of many friend groups, situationships, and acquaintances who mooch off classmates’ Grammarly Premium accounts, for Link D. Enn (CSOM ‘25) the semester has welcomed “The Hunt.”
“I’ve evolved past the need for friends,” said Enn. “My girlfriend broke up with me last night because she thought I was using Tinder for hookups. I was using it to find the daughters of prominent executives to reach out and establish those critical connections. The sex I had with them was merely a means to a future job interview.”
Since orientation, Enn has been harassing drunk CSOM students at Walsh parties, any man wearing an expensive toupee, and his acquaintance’s friend’s brother’s dog’s cat’s mailman’s dentist’s 3rd cousins (twice removed) in a near lustful urge to obtain a LinkedIn connection. He was once spotted handing out business cards at the funeral of an economics professor he never even had.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sleep,” said Enn’s roommate, Connor Serned (MCAS ‘25). “The closest thing to rest I’ve seen him do is take 5 Zyns and pray to the concept of shareholder value.”
When questioned about his work-life balance, Enn declared, “If God is real, I know more senior executives than him. I frequent nine coffee shops in the financial district of Boston so I can befriend low-level corporate drones and later befriend their boss and their boss’ boss until I reach the CEO. I have typed out braggy updates on my latest personal passion project or internship until my fingers bled. Then I began posting explanations about how my blood symbolizes alignment with the go-to-market playbook.”
At press time, Enn was seen posting about how the death of his entire family taught him about the relationship between synergetic deep dives into customer satisfaction and selling sustainably disruptive AI-powered tech startups.
