Rampant Misogynist Says You Can’t Come To Super Bowl Watch Party To Only Watch Commercials
Campus CultureSports February 12, 2023 The New England Classic
WALSH HALL — With the Eagles facing off the Chiefs this evening in the 57th Super Bowl, 8-mans campus wide are gathering various fried foods, Natural Lights, and Zyns to accommodate guests. One viewing party host, Seggs Hist (CSOM ’26), has been incredibly clear about the restrictions on his guest list.
“It’s fun to have some eye candy in the room,” said Ist when interviewed by the Classic about his evening gathering. “I just don’t want them yapping about the commercials the entire time. I’m from Philly, so it’s a big night for me.” Hist, who has been described by his girl friends as “tone deaf,” and “insulting,” hails from Wilmington, Delaware.
His roommate, Apollo Gist (LSOE ’26), claims he has tried to curb Hist’s unsavory attitudes. “In all fairness he watches a lot of The Sopranos,” Gist said. “He thinks women belong in Church or the mall on Sundays. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any sisters, so it’s really not his fault.”
Adorned with print outs of Playboy Bunnies and a “make me a sandwich” poster, many have deemed Hist’s apartment as “inhospitable” for women.
When questioned about whether or not they would attend, many girls were on the fence. “Honestly ever since Joe Burrow– I mean the Bengals– got out, I could kind of care less,” said Starah E. Type (MCAS ’26). “I think I’ll go just to piss him off though.” Another student, Sue P. Erfan (CSON ’26), from Downingtown, PA, has made other arrangements and will be watching the game at the local Cityside Tavern. “Nothing beats Eagles gameday. Just called my Pop-pop. He just got out of Mass down the shore. We prayed to St. BDN—the patron saint of Super Bowl Sunday—for Jason Kelce’s shoulders in the QB sneaks, for Nick Sirianni’s testosterone, and for all light poles within a 100 mile radius of City Hall. Go Birds.”
At press time, Hist was spotted taping a piece of cardboard to the corner of the TV reading “NO QUESTIONS.”
