Fr. Leahy Announces Boston College Prison Experiment

ST. MARY’S HALL — After reflecting upon the Eagles’ loss to Stanford this past weekend, Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J. has announced some necessary changes pertaining to his university’s football team. This fall, Boston College will begin its first student-focused incarceration experiment.

“God whispered the idea to me during my mid-afternoon Examen; the best way to overcome our rivals is to become them, so we are bringing the prison experiment to Chestnut Hill,” said Fr. Leahy. 

The team’s worst performers must spend a stint in the simulated prison before returning to practice. The new program will be similar to the 1971 experiment at Stanford. However, Chestnut Hill’s project will include a collection of Catholic twists. Student inmates will only be served communion wafers as sustenance. The rest of their appetite must be fulfilled by God’s love and presence. Additionally, the only reading material student inmates will have access to is a detailed biography of the life of St. Ignatius of Loyola. Finally, project participants will attend Mass in Latin six times a day, simulating a pre-Vatican II environment. 

Fr. Leahy noted that if the team can make up for their abysmal performance against Stanford and overtime loss to Michigan State by “giving Papi a winning season,” he will put an end to the experiment. However, Fr. Leahy has not ruled out expanding the prison experiment “to fix” other groups of the Boston College undergraduate population. He may require “sissy boys, girls with short hair, performative males, anime freaks, and they/thems” to serve sentences next semester. 

The replica prison will be located in the subterranean floor of Duchesne Hall. Current Duchesne Basementers must “figure their shit out and haul ass” out of the Newton dormitory. The new environment will incorporate pews and a makeshift altar constructed out of confiscated pong tables. A livestream of the experiment will be broadcasted in Conte Forum, various Newton buses, and Circle Tavern. 

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