Mutual Sexiness and Unlikability: Why BC Students Often Marry Each Other
SAINT IGNATIUS CHURCH — Many single Boston College students consider dating on campus a difficult challenge. However, these students can take a sliver of hope from the staggering statistic that around 60% of BC students end up marrying each other.
“I actually plan on marrying someone who went to both my high school and BC,” says Sarah Tonin (MCAS ’25). “I think it makes total sense; most of the students at BC are really sexy, this school is like 95% hotties and 5% uggos. Most of us also have, like, 2-3 hobbies that we only use as bragging material so we’re all pretty compatible,” Tonin added.
The hobbies of BC students include living the city life from the comfort of the suburbs, taking the T once a semester to build character, and buying overpriced drinks at bars instead of doing literally anything on campus. With similar interests like these, most BC marriages are matches made in heaven (or purgatory).
The implications of BC selective marriage for the future are harrowing. The world as we know it will be filled with a vast amount of men who are 5’8” but definitely 5’10” on their license.
The Dean of Admissions has recently put out a statement asking for a temporary ban on marriages between BC Students. “We are seeing a large influx of applicants with double legacy and it is getting extremely difficult to accept them all, some we can’t even waitlist. We have also received numerous complaints that double legacy admits have negative social skills and end up becoming strict, by the book, RAs during their time at Boston College. This is a problem that will only grow exponentially if we do not put a temporary ban on BC marriages,” the Dean said.
The mental health of social media interns has been so adversely affected by these unfortunate trends that they salivate at the mouth everytime they see a wedding dress. The Instagram managers of BC-affiliated accounts have expressed that it is becoming “exhausting reposting all the marriage portraits of BC students that are for some reason always on BC’s campus. We are begging that alumni couples take the brave first step of breaking the BC bubble and try a church in their hometown or perhaps Newton Campus.”
In exploring this phenomenon, The Classic discovered that most BC marriages happen because they are all equally unlikeable with the same shakeable values and lack of desire to meet people after freshman orientation.
At press time, ten engagements took place on the quad, causing a subsequent uptick in bridesmaids dress sales in Chestnut Hill.