The New England Classic
Confused Freshman Shouts “Communication” From Gasson Tower, Declares Major
GASSON HALL — Boston College Police reported that late Monday night, freshman RJ Skurry was sighted perched ominously at the top of the Gasson bell tower in a misguided attempt to declare his major. Witnesses to the incident reported he then leaned back and in a trembling, climactic scream... Read more
Trustee Indicted For Colluding With Student Concerns
GASSON HALL — Boston College announced charges against trustee Richard Maloney (MCAS ‘76) on Friday, laying out explicit evidence suggesting that he colluded with student concerns on several instances since his appointment to the Board of Trustees in 2012. Maloney surrendered to BCPD and pled guilty to charges that... Read more
Last Reference To Hopes And Dreams Deleted From Resume
CHESTNUT HILL — Driven by the fear of looking unprofessional and a desire to convey maturity, Boston College junior Flynn Carter deleted the line “Assistant Director – 2015 Libertyville High Musical” from his resume Monday night. Like many juniors in the midst of the summer internship hunt, Carter realized... Read more
Report: Lonely Student Probably Not Using That Chair
EAGLE’S NEST — A study done by the Boston College Sociology department revealed that the lonely student a few tables over from you in the Rat is most likely not using that chair. “Are you using this chair?” asked participants in the study to students sitting alone in the... Read more
Introducing… SandwichBot3000!
After months of development, The NEC is finally debuting our new artificial intelligence technology SandwichBot3000, an automated content generating system capable of writing humor articles even faster than before! We are still working out a few bugs, but we’re confident we’ll have a fully automated writing staff by 2024.... Read more
Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women... Read more