Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months.
Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women and men who have come forward to tell their stories and stressed that male sexual misconduct is a deeply rooted problem that is present across many different industries and institutions.
“These depraved individuals have committed the most unholy of sins, and it is also rather interesting to note that they come from a number of different backgrounds—entertainment, journalism, politics—really makes you think, no?”
The Pope devoted a significant portion of his speech to singling out Kevin Spacey, the Hollywood actor who has been accused of sexual misconduct by at least 16 men, most of whom were underage at the time of the alleged incidents.
“As I always say, the purity of children is of the utmost importance, and should not be defiled under any circumstance, regardless of one’s personal vices or inner demons. With this in mind, I’d like to point out that Mr. Spacey has never had any meaningful involvement with the Catholic Church, and in fact spat in the face of Jesus in that one episode of House of Cards.”
When asked by one reporter if he was trying to leverage the so-called “Weinstein effect” to improve the Church’s public image, Pope Francis responded with a firm no. He went on to explain that neither he nor anyone else within the Church takes any pleasure from learning of these terrible stories.
“That being said, I do think the Church has been unfairly targeted for far too long,” the Pope said with what appeared to be a half-grin. “It’s obvious that male sexual misconduct is a problem in any large institution that blindly empowers men, so where are all of the mean-spirited jokes about the United States Senate or The Today Show? I’m waiting.”
The Pope concluded his speech by calling on Hollywood to reflect on its caustic culture and to begin pre-production on a number of future-Academy Award-winning films about the brave investigative journalists who worked to uncover these stories of abuse.