UGBC President Comes Forward About Romantic Affair With Covert BU Operative

CARNEY HALL — On Sunday, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang revealed that he has been romantically involved with an alleged Chinese intelligence operative. The admission scandalized the AI industry and shocked the world at large. Upon hearing this news, UGBC president, Phil Anderer (MCAS ’27), decided to come clean about his own hanky-panky with a Boston University student, who had been secretly extracting information in attempts to benefit BU’s own student body. In an internal memo sent to UGBC officials, Anderer wrote, “I owe my Iggy 6-man and all of you an apology. I was unfaithful to my campus situationship. My actions hurt her and the AI-generated image of what our children would look like if we had a family together.”

The Terrier mistress, identified as senior Ispye Witmalittlai, immediately came forward to address the scandal. In an interview with The New England Classic, Witmalittlai said, “I really didn’t gather much. BC’s student government kind of doesn’t do anything.” However, upon further probing, Witmalittlai admitted, “Oh yeah, Zara Larsson wanted to perform at BC for Marathon Monday last year, but we wanted to book her at BU, obvi. So, I quickly went on Soundcloud and searched for washed-up house artists and found Two Friends. I told him they were huge in the house music scene at the time, and I guess he bought it—he and the rest of UGBC don’t really get invited to parties much, so he didn’t know any better. It worked out great for BU!”

The Classic interviewed current BC students to get a sense for how Anderer and Witmalittlai’s forbidden romance might impact BC going forward. When asked to comment, junior biowaste economics student, Diyah Riah, stated, “I don’t think anyone cares whatsoever.” When sophomore nursing student, Likai Givafuh, was asked, he said, “Wait, BC has a student government?”

The plot is sure to thicken over the next few days, as allegations that UGBC is actually attempting to have an impact on campus have already started to mount since the release of Anderer’s memo earlier this week. This comes after UGBC senators pledged to apologetically reduce laundry machine pricing from $55 to $51 per load for the next two weeks. The Classic will be tracking the situation as it further unfolds.

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