UHS Hands Out Free Cigarettes To Promote Chainsmokers Concert
Campus CultureStudent Life September 9, 2026 The New England Classic
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICES — To help build excitement for the upcoming Chainsmokers concert, UHS has begun handing out free cigarettes. The hope is that students will be inspired to listen while they smoke and end up hooked on the EDM-pop sounds of Alex Palland and Drew Taggart.
“Thanks to UHS, each day I finish a pack of Marlboro reds and at least two albums,” said Addy C. Tedd (MCAS ‘27). “With each puff I am brought closer to total obsession with the duo. Something just like this was needed for me to get as excited as possible for the concert.”
This program has fit into UHS’ long running project of creating as many possible health problems and addictions for students so they will have more patients to treat and will therefore receive more funding to embezzle.
Other programs in this broader project have included disseminating poker sets and promo codes for free Draft King Dollars in Freshman lounges, getting Lynne O’Connell to teach so poorly freshman feel they must black out to forget her, and creating an OnlyFans for Baldwin.
“I plan to bring roses to throw on stage,” said Tedd. “Maybe they’ll fall in love with me when they see me in the crowd in my jaw dropping black top and jeans. I want them to take me to Paris. I hope they don’t let me down.”
The concert, put on by Boston College because they couldn’t get Two Friends to agree to return, is expected to use a lighter fog machine than usual due to the expected presence of smoke. UHS has recommended that students who don’t smoke, but plan to attend the concert, “man up and start.”
At press time, a physician for UHS was seen explaining the extreme health risks of pre-marital sex before asking for a light. 
