Leahy Sends APPA Students To Camp Green Lake To Search For Oil

CAMP GREEN LAKE — With spring break only a week away, students across campus are buzzing with excitement for whatever tropical paradise awaits them. A select group of students, however, have different plans for their break. Every year, students can opt out of the typical cocktail-by-the-beach spring break destination and instead become an APPA Volunteer, traveling to select U.S. cities and towns dedicating their week to service and faith.

But what exactly do these APPA Volunteers do?

Inside sources here at The Classic have revealed the specific tasks given to APPA Volunteers, direct orders of Warden Leahy himself, and let’s just say you’ll need a shovel and a gallon jug of water and some onions to get through the week.

Stanley Yelnats (CSOM ’25) had the honor of attending APPA last spring at a special location: Camp Green Lake. “I joined APPA because I wanted to be a part of something bigger. Definitely NOT because I was caught with a pair of stolen sneakers from a BC baseball legend,” Yelnats explained. “Everything seemed normal at first, just me and my mates on a dinky bus headed to the Appalachian mountains. Things became weird when we were all issued our own shovels and had to watch an interesting video from Leahy himself.”

The Classic got a hold of this video and the evidence is shocking. “Dear APPA students,” Video Leahy boomed, “This week you will have one task: Holes. You’ll be digging up as many holes as you can. No breaks and no water unless you can find something for me. Something golden and rich. Something oily…”.

OIL- APPA is just a sting operation for Leahy’s oil fracking camp in the Appalachian mountains. Hundreds of kids volunteer every spring in search of meaning and purpose in the world but instead are forced to dig holes day after day until they find the precious oil Leahy so hungrily yearns for.

At press time, Warden Leahy was seen guzzling oil and yelling at APPA volunteers to “Keep digging!”

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