The New England Classic
“Talk Holy To Me”: CAB To Censor Jason Derulo

“Talk Holy To Me”: CAB To Censor Jason Derulo

Student Life April 13, 2022 The New England Classic

“When we hired Jason Derulo, it was because we all are HUGE fans of Cats (2019). Ever since the movie came out, we’ve been... “Talk Holy To Me”: CAB To Censor Jason Derulo

MOD LOT — Campus has been buzzing with excitement ever since the announcement of Jason Derulo’s Marathon Monday performance. Far and wide, students are blasting Derulo’s hits through their headphones, except for the members of CAB themselves, oddly enough. 

President of the Campus Activities Board, Tacks Frawd (CSOM ’22) confesses, “when we hired Jason Derulo, it was because we all are HUGE fans of Cats (2019). Ever since the movie came out, we’ve been listening to ‘The Rum Tug Tugger’ nonstop, and we thought that’s what made him famous.”

To their dismay, when they checked Derulo’s discography on Spotify they found a lot more than CGI musical theater cats. Their eyes were met with obscene titles like, “Talk Dirty to Me,” and choruses like, “everytime you get undressed, I hear symphonies in my head.”

Fraud expressed his concern, saying “I just don’t think we can play all of these raunchy songs following Easter Sunday. Instead, CAB has decided to change up some of the songs Mr. Derulo will be singing. It’s like a remix!”

The New England Classic got an inside look at Derulo’s new set list for the monday morning concert. It is as follows:

“Talk HOLY To Me”:

Been around the world, don’t speak the language (uh-huh)

But your The Bible don’t need explaining (uh-huh)

All I really need to understand is (uh-huh)

When you, you talk holy to me

“Trumpets (at mass)”:

Is it weird that I hear

Trumpets when you’re talking about your religious beliefs? 

Is it weird that your nice personality

Remind me of a worship song?

Every time that you get on the altar 

I hear symphonies in my head

I wrote this song just looking at you, oh, oh

Yeah, the drums they swing low

And the trumpets they go

“Wiggle”:

‘Cause you know what to do with that big fat tabernacle

Kneel, kneel, kneel 

Kneel, kneel, kneel 

Kneel, kneel, kneel 

Just a little bit (swing)

“Want To Want God”:

Ooh, just the thought of hell

Gets me so God-fearing (so God-fearing)

So God-fearing

At press time, Derulo was seen practicing his new set list alongside the St. Ignatius Church bells.