The New England Classic
Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?

Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?

SexStudent Life April 19, 2021 The New England Classic

CHESTNUT HILL—In recent days, alarming reports filed all over campus have shed new light on a previously unknown trend that apparently has affected the... Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?

CHESTNUT HILL—In recent days, alarming reports filed all over campus have shed new light on a previously unknown trend that apparently has affected the entire academic year: students have been having sex this entire time. The New England Classic inquired further in order to assess the veracity of these concerning claims, and found that students have been having sex in the following ways:

  • Sex with friends 
  • Sex with enemies 
  • Sex with significant others 
  • Post-breakup sex to fill the void
  • Sex with hot strangers 
  • Sex with ugly strangers 
  • Sex with strangers who have good personalities but are only so-so looks wise
  • Sex with people they met in freshman year theology class and always wondered about, until, that is, they actually had sex and it was really awkward and the magic of an unexplored crush was completely ruined 

Junior Brenna Nossex told The Classic that she was completely taken aback by the news. “Yeah I mean, I haven’t had sex since last March. Haha. Because it’s responsible. I could totally have sex if I wanted to but I thought we were all doing, like, a ‘no sex till it’s safe!’ thing so yeah. I mean, ‘sex with enemies’, who even does that? How do I do that?” 

Upon hearing the news about continued intercourse, extremely frustrated individuals as well as losers all over campus reportedly said “Haha wait what? Right now? Like, this whole time? Aha. . . without me?”