Classics Department Thrilled For Battle Against Spartans
Campus CultureSports September 20, 2024 The New England Classic
STOKES AMPHITHEATER, A NEW ACROPOLIS — With BC football preparing for an epic game against the Michigan State Spartans, the students and professors of the Classical Studies Department have begun preparations of their own.
“Those who hail from Sparta are brutal, warlike people,” said Professor Per C. Jakksun. “We must attack their legion with the swiftness of Hermes and the might of Zeus. We must shed their blood to preserve our great democracy and the 6.5 point spread! I don’t care if we must sacrifice a thousand men from other, less useful departments, like nursing or engineering.”
The Classics Department was recently seen demanding a sacrifice for the gods in anticipation of the conflict. It even attempted to find one of Boston College’s most distinguished former generals, Jeff Hafley, to please the bloodlust of the War God Ares.
Classics student Sawk Rowteez (MCAS ’25) refused to provide a proper answer when asked if he approved of these behaviors, only responding, “What truly constitutes an act of justice? Is justice something more than a reasonably priced, totally adorable clothing brand for teens, tweens, and everything in-betweens?”
Sawk’s roommate, Eppy Kyuris (CSOM ’25), responded to Sawk by saying, “Justice is whatever guarantees I hit my five-leg parlay. DraftKings is sending a peasant from the Acropolis to break my kneecaps any day now. I need those things to play limbo and jump up in joy when I get to explain women’s majors to them.”
When questioned on the behavior of his department, department head Aris T. Aughtle responded, “That whose cause of which is dialectic, in relation to the forthcoming substance as opposed to the latter, and of neglected nature, of two parts as action is to tranquility. Also eudaimonia.”
At press time, Professor Dio G. Yenees was seen plucking a bald eagle so that the Spartans could behold a man.
