7 Things We Found In Bill O’Brien’s Chin
Uncategorized February 21, 2024 The New England Classic
YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER – The New England Classic would like to congratulate Bill O’Brien on becoming the Boston College Head Football Coach. He comes from a proud lineage of Boston College graduates and chasmic chin-bearers, sporting a flesh bib that even Jay Leno wants to steal. At O’Brien’s introductory press conference Thursday, Athletic Director Blake “Swim Team Can Suck It” James told the assembled media, “Putting pen to paper was the easiest part. I pleasurably fingered around his baboon-ass chin to yank out a nice Frixion erasable pen.” The New England Classic’s Spotlight team paused its investigation into Jack Dunn’s involvement with the Catholic Church to investigate what else Coach O’Brien hides in his face’s kangaroo pouch. Here’s what we found
1. An 8-win season
Is that a magic trick, or is Coach O’Brien leading Superfans to the mystical Promised Land of an 8-win season? ESPN “Insider” Pete Thamel reports that such an achievement would cause Fr. Leahy, S.J., to crowdsurf when ESPN College Gameday comes to the Heights for the 2036 game against O’Brien’s long-time ex-employer, Ohio State. Thank you B.O.B.
2. A Rejected NEC Valentine’s Poem
Roses are red
She Bill on my O’Brien
Ride me like an airplane
You’ll feel like you’re flyin’
3. Missing Aviation Pioneer Amelia Earhart
It wasn’t the Bermuda Triangle that brought down this American trailblazer. If you flew over such a picturesque Grand-Canyon-sized butthole chin, wouldn’t you want a closer look? Amelia Earhart did not Bill on his O’Brien to feel like she was flyin’… such was her fatal mistake.
4. John Stamos’ Belly Button
Bill O’Brien is 1000x better than John Stamos. Why? John “Your Hot Dad’s Favorite Hot Dad” Stamos will always wear a shirt because of an astonishingly button-like belly button. Alternatively, Bill “Your Hot Dad’s Source of Patriots-Related Agony” O’Brien won’t cover up his crater chin with a band-aid, soul patch facial hair, or even a cute Hafley-sized vest for his face.
5. The Keys to Thomas Castellanos’ McGovern Auto
If you had the privilege of coming face-to-hood with Thomas Castellanos’ (MCAS ‘25) red Mercedes, you would understand why the old-school coach would discipline his star quarterback. “First I can’t take the elevator to the Walsh 2,” lamented Castellanos, “and now I can’t drag race from the Comm. Ave. garage to Fish for practice?! What happened to the game I love?”
6. Whatever the fuck was that BUnion-authored NECxBUnion mascot erotica
NEC editors instructed its underlings to bury that unholy monstrosity in the holes of Earth’s hardest-to-reach place. May it never see God’s light again.
7. Ghost of Coach Addazio Exorcised from O’Brien Chin, Will Miss FSU Opener
