Help! The Girl Scout In Mac Bit Me.

MCELROY COMMONS — At the daily lunchtime rush, students flock to McElroy Dining Hall to stand in line and await their precious DIY salad or burnt slice of pizza. However, before they can obtain their marvelous meal, they must make it through the warzone that is the McElroy lobby. Here, clubs of all sorts assemble at tables to bombard passing students with fliers and threats.

“You just have to ignore them,” Vic Tum (MCAS ’26) explained. “No eye contact, swift feet, walk with purpose. It has worked for me every time. Well… not every time.”

Last week, Tum was on her way to Mac for her lunch. “I did everything I usually do. I made a beeline straight for the stairs without even peeking at the tables,” Tum recalled. “But as soon as I took two steps inside the lobby–*MUNCH*–there she was, a Girl Scout nibbling at my ankle.”

The Classic spoke with suspect Anne Colbiter (Lincoln-Eliot Elementary ’24) to get her thoughts on the matter. “GRRARGG BARK BARK MUNCH NOM NOM,” Colbiter clarified.

Her mother then had a talk with her. “We are working on boundaries. That was not nice. Teeth are for chewing organic snacks, not munching customer’s legs. Mommy loves you,” Jen Tilparent informed her daughter.

When asked if Anne would be punished for her actions, Tilparent replied, “Of course not. She is my sweet little girl and she still has hundreds of cookies to sell. Would you like a box? It’s only ten dollars for two boxes. Come on. Buy some!”

At press time, Tum was seen eating a whole sleeve of Thin Mints.

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