Local Student Under International Investigation Following Incriminating “Slay Queen” Remarks
Big IssuesFeatured September 8, 2022 The New England Classic
UNITED NATIONS HEADQUARTERS — Chaos has erupted around the globe since the incredibly recent death of Queen Elizabeth as authorities everywhere scramble to rule out foul play. Although autopsies point to natural causes, one student is struggling to clear her name.
Ally Bai (LSOE ’26) was taken into custody by the United Nations this morning after posting a tweet which accrued national and global suspicion. The tweet in question? A cryptic “slayyyy queen!” paired with a gif of a white woman snapping her fingers in a sassy little zigzag. The tweet appears to have been posted mere hours before the queen’s death.
“This is some very compelling evidence, but we are hesitant to make any assumptions or rash decisions,” explained Detective C. Lou Less, who is currently leading the investigation. “At best, this young lady has some supernatural predictive power, and at worst, she could be part of a much more sinister operation.”
“I swear it’s just a horrible coincidence,” pleaded Bai in her official police statement. “I have no idea what’s going on, I just felt that a queen was slaying and I needed to express that.”
Unfortunately, Bai’s track record is not in her favor. Authorities are investigating her previous tweets, including a shameless “Major tea!!!” on December 16, 1773. Whatever the outcome, the Classic offers condolences to all British “people” and hopes this case comes to a smooth close.
