Jim Christian Relieved To Be Jim Atheist Again
YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER – News broke early Monday afternoon that men’s basketball head coach Jim Atheist was fired following 7 seasons with the Eagles. Atheist, who was coerced by the Jesuits of Boston College to change his surname to Christian upon his hiring in 2014, led his teams to an overall record of 78-132 during his tenure at BC.
Though many would have been distressed over the prospect of a job search during the pandemic, Atheist was grateful for the chance to return to his born surname.
“It’s a hard thing to admit, but I really haven’t felt like myself since I signed that contract,” Atheist said. “It just isn’t how I grew up; I didn’t know about any of this ‘intelligent design’ hubbub until about 2014. I’m excited to forget about it.”
Despite the professional allure of a structured, hierarchical, ancient belief system, Atheist claims he has already heard of a more promising offer.
“I got a call from a man at Colorado State who told me if I changed my name and lived forever in sin, he’d pretty much grant me everything I might desire. I just thought, ‘wow,’ you know? ‘How neat.’”
At press time, representatives of the Society of Jesus were seen conferring with interim coach Scott Spinelli, determining whether his last name might be rebranded as something a bit more spiritual, or at least less Italian.