Op-Ed: Valentine’s Day Is Over And So Is Premarital Sex

February 14th, what a magical night. I bet you had a ton of fun having sex, huh? Bet you really enjoyed yourself. Think it’s so fun to disrespect the Lord? Yeah? Well guess what folks! Fuck time is OVER! That’s right, it’s time to hold hands and share one milkshake and drown in sexual tension. Get used to laughing at horrible, unfunny jokes and reacting to every Bible verse Instagram story. You better have an entire Pinterest page dedicated to wedding colors with a linked Etsy before you even think about carnal relations.  

Oh, what’s that? You can’t help it? You can’t stop thinking about sex? You’re so horny you think you might die or go into a coma or develop hypertension? TOO BAD! Valentine’s Day is over! I don’t want to hear about anything out of wedlock unless it’s a chaste peck on the cheek. They make chastity belts without barbs now too, so I don’t want to hear ANY excuses. And look, I know candy hearts and roses are more commercially appealing but there is nothing wrong with self-flagellation, and I, for one, find it admirable. So does this one friend of mine. You might know him. He goes by JESUS CHRIST.  

Let’s be clear though: your no-no zones are off limits to everyone, especially yourself. Next time you think about taking a trip to Masturbation Land try wearing some tight jeans and doing some lunges instead. Sinner. Sure “you’re in love”, and sex is a “healthy and meaningful part of your relationship”, and “it’s important to embrace your feelings in a consensual and beneficial way instead of internalizing learned shame over feelings that are completely natural.” I don’t want to hear it.  

Valentine’s day is over! It’s time to melt your condoms and throw out your ‘I love you beary much’ stuffed animals and buy promise rings from a local vendor. That’s right folks, Lent came early this year and it’s time for you guys to give up being godless whores. Premarital sex? More like a one-way ticket to HELL!

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