Freshman Relieved To Discover Sex Is Banned In Campus Dorms

DUCHESNE EAST—After actually deciding to read the Boston College housing policy, Jack McElroy (MCAS ‘23) was elated to discover that sex is banned in campus dorms.

The policy, which states that “sexual activity between or among members of the same or opposite sex is prohibited in the residence halls,” usually only serves as a minor inconvenience for students who are going to fully ignore it. McElroy, however, had a different reaction.

“I know that works of the devil like fornication are popular pastimes at other schools, so I’m just glad that it’s illegal within the walls of Boston College,” said McElroy. “To be clear though, I could totally get some if I wanted to. So, if you see me not having a lot of sex, it’s just because I have to follow this rule.”

At press time, McElroy was seen calling BCPD after being sexiled to the Duchesne lounge.

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