Temporary Outage in Gasson Lighting Causes BC to Plummet in College Rankings
LINDEN LANE —In an unexpected turn of events, U.S. News & World Report announced that Boston College has dropped 16 spots in its highly-regarded ranking of national universities. Although the Washington D.C.-based news outlet typically updates its list only once a year in September, U.S. News spokesperson Darby Trary has explained that his organization was forced to reevaluate BC’s ranking after an unscheduled disruption in the lighting of Gasson Hall.
“U.S. News did not arrive at this decision lightly, and we do not judge institutions of higher education based simply on their fame, wealth, or exclusivity,” explained Trary in a statement issued on Sunday afternoon. “It has come to our attention that Boston College no longer exhibits many of its unique and desirable qualities that allowed it to reach 30th in our survey at the start of this academic year, and its ranking has since been adjusted to reflect that change.”
Although Trary did not specify the direct cause that prompted this change, most administrators believe that a temporary outage in Gasson’s extensive lighting equipment, which occurred over the weekend, played a large part in the decision to downgrade the university.
“Head Facilities Coordinator Ray Cleaves took the weekend off to spend time with his family, and in his absence we did not remain vigilant in our eternal endeavor to illuminate the shining Jesuit beacon of peace and binary love that is Gasson Hall,” said University spokesperson Bill Schlitt. “Frankly, I don’t give a damn about how much it increases our electric bill. Its symbolic meaning for our hegemony over Chestnut Hill is priceless.”
“It appears as if the new ranking was the statistical result of a downturn in the University’s prestige, historical significance, religious values, and most importantly, number of on-campus Snapchat selfies, all of which can be directly attributed to the temporary loss of our meticulously-engineered lighting array that turns middle campus into the set of a godforsaken Broadway musical on a nightly basis.”
Schlitt speculated that the outage in question most likely occurred on Saturday night, and was not fixed until early Sunday morning. “It goes without saying that the individual responsible for this custodial oversight will be dealt with in the typical Jesuit tradition—his ass is fired.”
News of this demotion has come as a figurative shock to BC administrators and students alike, as the University dropped down all the way to #46, a significant decrease from the record-setting #30 ranking that was bestowed upon Boston College this past September. This also marks the first time that BC has been ranked lower than local rival Boston University since the infamous “Outage of ‘77.”
At press time, Fr. Leahy was reportedly calling for an emergency meeting with top administrators, bellowing, “How are we supposed to set the whole damn world aflame if we can’t light up one lousy tower in our own backyard?”