Student In Suit Must Be Important
BOSTON COLLEGE — Turning heads and sparking private hypotheses as to what exactly he was going to or coming from, junior Kyle Andersonian (CSOM ‘17) was spotted sporting a suit and tie early Wednesday morning by multiple trustworthy sources. Despite eyewitnesses’ not possessing any knowledge of Andersonian’s age, socioeconomic background, major, or sexual preference, the consensus among the witnesses was that this was a surefire sign of his being pretty fucking important.
Sarah Wood (MCAS ‘19) recalls seeing Andersonian by the printers in O’Neill. “I thought to myself, ‘Was he just at a job or internship interview with Bank of America in the Career Center? Maybe he had a presentation? Or is he just treating his personal aesthetic to a good time today?’ Whatever the reason, he must be important.”
However, not all students have been struck with wonder and awe upon seeing Andersonian’s suit-clad body. Kelly Tuck (CSON ‘18), an avid Bernie Sanders supporter who has so far contributed $22 to his grassroots campaign, tweeted: “Saw some establishment dick wearing a suit. The tie looked like a corporation’s noose around his capitalist neck. #FeelTheBern!”
Rumors continue to abound regarding the destination of the suited Andersonian, with accusations even extending as far-fetched as assuming him to be an agent of the CIA’s Special Activities Division. Meanwhile, Andersonian just kept going about his day. He’s since been seen fixing his tie while standing in line for a steak and cheese in Lower, tucking his crisp shirt in nicely after urinating in Stokes South, and casually unbuttoning his suit jacket upon sitting down in Race, Riots, and Rodeos. In each of these instances, students reported that Andersonian wore a “smug” look on his face that “kind of hinted that he, too, knew he was pretty fucking important.”
At press time, Andersonian revealed he was just dressed a little too nicely for Ash Wednesday mass.