Report Finds That Approximately 98% Of Burns Library Artifacts Just Antique Smut
Big IssuesWTF October 19, 2026 The New England Classic
BURNS LIBRARY — Situated next to picturesque Linden Lane is Boston College’s very own historical artifact mecca: Burns Library, one of the many jewels in the school’s research institution crown. Taking pride in their rich collection, university administration will be quick to inform you that Burns holds several million rare books, manuscripts, photographs, and journals from all over the world. But has anybody ever dared to investigate the character of the enormous Burns archive?
A recent study conducted by The New England Classic found that approximately 98% of the artifacts housed in Burns Library are merely historical smut. “To be fair, we never really thought anybody would look into it that closely,” said resident librarian Jack Hoff PhD, “it’s simply a fact that most of written history is just porn.”
In retrospect, the truth may have actually been readily apparent. The entrance to Burns features a weathered sheet of paper with faint Latin text, displayed prominently by the school to highlight its rich educational history as a Jesuit institution.
However, the four people who actually speak Latin say the text roughly translates to:
“‘Not yet princess,’ he said, his devilish smile exposing his jagged, canine fangs, ‘you’re not done until daddy says you’re done.’”
Believed to be a missing page from the ancient Roman epic, Impregnated by the Vampire-Werewolf Emperor, the document is one of many in Burns’ ensemble of lechery. Anyone who actually bothered to scroll past the first search result on the library database would have seen Shakespeare’s scrapped first draft where Romeo is Verona’s star hockey player and Juliet is the doctor who uses sponge baths to nurse him back to health after his pelvic injury. They might even read the JOI letter sent from former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to former President Ronald Reagan.
“It’s amazing,” said Hoff PhD. “out of the millions of artifacts in here there’s like, maybe eleven or twelve things MAX that aren’t porn.” Hoff continued, reporting that almost everything else in Burns would “make 50 Shades of Grey look like a child’s nursery rhyme.”
Since the news has broken on campus, the Burns Library appointment booking website has crashed fifty-seven times. They have also had to quadruple the number of security guards following several break-ins by students trying to sneak a peek at one of Frida Kahlo’s full frontal mirror self-portraits.
For more on this story, go to www.hornyeagles/burnzsmut.net 
