BC Administration Cuts Office Of Sustainability To Make Room For Office of War
Campus CultureJesuitsLeahyStudent Life September 11, 2025 The New England Classic
WHATEVER’S LEFT OF EARTH — At the start of this year, the Boston College administration downsized the Office of Sustainability from one non-student employee to zero, leaving students and faculty wondering: “What’s next?” and “Shit, shit… shit?” The administration responded to calls for an explanation by announcing their grand opening of the Office of War. The announcement marks the beginning of an exciting chapter in BC’s history of imperial expansion.
This decision comes after extensive discussions among the BC Board of Trustees and the Jesuit Society, who, for far too long, have been weighed down by the responsibility of adhering to Catholic Social Teaching principles. Jesuit-in-training and certified chiller, Don T. Kare, noted, “Preferential option for the poor and vulnerable? Care for God’s creation? The planet’s so big and there’s soooooo many people! What’s the big deal if we don’t help? War, whether a lib like you likes it or not, is badass!” The interview came to an end after the Jesuit-to-be relentlessly blew a raspberry and placed his fingers in his ears going, “LA LA LA LA!”
Inspired by Pope Urban II’s First Crusade, BC will mount an expedition to conquer neighboring universities, high schools, all the way down to local pre-K programs. In an interview with the Classic, Jackson K. (Mrs. Adebayo’s first grade class) commented, “But what’d I do? I’m just a little guy! Would you do that to a little guy like me?” However, it’s apparent that the university could not care less about this “little guy” nor the planet that he will inherit.
The budget cuts did not end at the Office of Sustainability. While not an official expenditure, BC preemptively cut resources that could have hypothetically gone toward establishing an office that supports students who identify with the LGBTQ+ community. Local hate groups, and your least favorite uncle, hailed the move as a marvel of university endowment management.
At press time, the Jesuits of BC and the Board of Trustees were seen pounding their chests like gorillas and throwing darts at portraits of Jane Goodall and Jesus Christ Himself. 
