LTE: I Think My RA Confiscated My Dildo During Room Checks…

Dear NEC, 

I was hoping to stay anonymous amid all this chaos, but I have to come out with it. 

It was mine. The inflatable dildo seen at the hockey game was mine. 

Now, you may be wondering, how did my dildo end up at the hockey game last Friday? Well, unfortunately, I am asking the same question. 

Life before Friday had been so filling; I had only felt that longing emptiness during practice…until last Thursday. The ice had been so cold and so, so hard, making me miss Leonard really badly. When changing in the locker room, I knew exactly what I would do when I got back to my dorm. 

Upon entering my double, which Dean and I decided to mega-bed since we love to cuddle, I could sense something was amiss — or rather, something was missing. I looked high and low, near and far, but alas, my giant inflatable dildo was missing. 

I was fiending, needing to be nearer to him and his warmth, I started searching everywhere. I would not be stopped in my pursuit until I had found my dildo. That is, until I heard those two dreaded words: room checks. 

Immediately, I knew where my dildo was. He was confiscated by my RA, forever trapped in a single with no companion. This revelation caused me to spiral, spinning faster and faster into a pit of despair without my closest friend. 

Friday was a whirl of confusion and emptiness. My head was only concerned with retrieving my dildo from my conniving RA. Going to class, I thought of my dildo; putting my suit on I was so focused on my dildo I ended up wearing a pinstripe suit. On the ice, I was missing passes left and right because my head kept drifting to my dildo. 

I lifted my head to the ceiling, praying to whoever was listening to bring my baby back to me. And then, as if God himself heard my plea, I saw him floating across the student section. But I couldn’t fool myself — it was only a quick glimpse, a mirage maybe. Until again! My dildo was lifted into the air and thrown across the student section. The rest of the game passed by in a blur, my focus solely on my dildo and not the puck. 

Unfortunately, I know my giant inflatable dildo was confiscated again by the security team. I have spent over five days without my dildo, the emptiness growing. These five days have been the worst of my life, losing to Northeastern doesn’t even compare. 

So I ask you, NEC, how can I get my dildo back? 

Please keep this anonymous, 

Teddy Stiga

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