LTE: I Think My Communications Student Wants To Show Me Her ‘Oral Skills’

Dear NEC,

I’m pretty sure my student wishes to perform fellatio upon my knowledgeable knob. I do not mean to be presumptuous, but who wouldn’t want a piece of this 73-year-old hunk of meat?

For better or worse, midterm season has reached Chestnut Hill. Students of my class, COMM2207: Rhetoric for Aspiring Restaurant Professionals, have felt the increasing stress of academics as the semester rolls on. Unfortunately, one of my female students, [NAME REDACTED], failed the first midterm.

While the exam may be on the harder side for some communications students, the class average was 97%. The contents of the exam required students to write the alphabet and discuss their favorite foods. I even permitted students to draw their favorite foods and use ChatGPT to generate images of their favorite dish. 

After I passed the exams back, [NAME REDACTED] appeared in my office in a rather revealing outfit: a sweater and skirt that showed a little too much ankle. Not leaving much up to the imagination, am I right? We discussed how in her midterm, she included emojis in her alphabet and drew her favorite food, a taco. I mean, come on, she was clearly trying to tell me something there with the taco.

When I suggested she may not be comms major material, she said “just wait ‘til I show you my oral skills.” I was incredibly taken aback; I was unsure whether she was referring to the art of public speaking or the act of ‘throwing neck.’ Per the syllabus, we do not cover public speaking until after Fall Break. 

Upon reflecting, I do recall her repeatedly exclaiming “six-seven” in class. I believe “six-seven” to be a new sexual position similar to the incredibly mouth-intensive act of sixty-nineing. Usually, I would never consider having sexual relations with a student, as in some cultures these relations are discouraged. Father Richard “Dick” Johnson once told me, “the only thing students should be gumming down is the holy eucharist.” 

While I would usually heed the words of a holy father, I have recently been excommunicated from the Catholic Church for divorcing my bitch-wife Susan. My hog has not seen any action (apart from my right hand) in nine months. I am seriously considering [NAME REDACTED]’s offer if that’s what she’s getting at. NEC, is it wrong for a student to play my flesh flute? 

Sincerely, 

A horny and confused, yet hopeful communications professor

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