Eagle Escort Now Offering Complimentary Catcalling Services
Campus CultureSchoolStudent LifeWTF October 2, 2025 The New England Classic
LINDEN LANE — As autumn dawns on the greater Boston area, and the big-sweater-baggy-jean ensemble reenters the wardrobe of many Boston College students, campus confidence has reached an all-time low. However, one university sponsored service has stepped up and answered the call. Previously only used as a transportation service for injured or otherwise disabled students on campus, Eagle Escort will now be offering what BCPD is calling “mobile mood boosters.”
The proposed services include but are not limited to, drive-by honking, slow-cruise, window-down profanities, and suggestive whistling. Most popular thus far has been some combination of the three. To comment on the new campus amenities is BCPD officer and Eagle Escort van driver Pete D. File. Officer File shared, “The kids really seem to love our new stuff. So do the drivers. For me, the most popular routine is a slow creep up right as the victim—I MEAN STUDENT—crosses the road by St. Mary’s Hall. Then I tip the old aviators, double finger dog whistle, and hit ‘em with my signature line: shawty what that thangggg do!”
One of Officer File’s first victims, May Jorlyintwoit, shared with the Classic that her experience was “Electrifying in a way that I had never experienced before. When the car pulled up, I was worried that I had done something wrong or that I looked so chopped and also unc that they assumed I was having a medical emergency. But no! That nice old man just wanted a piece of this ass! And that made my day.” Jorlyintwoit’s roommate shared with us privately that she had requested the service for her friend after a particularly devastating string of rejections by several of her friend’s fathers during the parent’s weekend tailgates.
Unfortunately, University officials do not expect these services to be available for much longer, as the BCPD officers involved have repeatedly mixed up their calls, notably asking a student in a wheelchair in need of a ride if she would “stand up and back it up for me so I can see that sweet juicy behind.” The student has requested to remain anonymous, but did notify our staff that she is in the process of pursuing legal actions for the involved parties. 
