Football Team Expected To Win All Remaining Games After Hafley Announces “No More Mister Nice Guy”
ALUMNI STADIUM — It’s no secret that the Boston College Eagles Football Team sucks this year. With two embarrassing losses under their belt, the team is looking utterly miserable and frankly should be scared going into their third game this Saturday night against Maine. However, in a recent press conference, head coach Jeff Hafley made a shocking statement that has many analysts now predicting that BC will win all of its remaining games.
The press asked Hafley if he thought the team could save its dignity after its first two showings. Hafley, now visibly red in the face and with a noticeable amount of steam leaking out of his ears, retorted, “Our dignity?!? I’m so sick and tired of this disrespect. I guess what they say is true, nice guys always finish last [in ACC football]. You know what, that’s it, no more mister nice guy!”
In reports coming in from across the nation, opposing coaches are literally shivering their timbers and nervously biting their nails back and forth like a typewriter at the thought of having to face Hafley and the Eagles. Sports analysts are now scrambling to re-rank all teams nationwide, and many projections now have BC ranked as number one in the country.
Following up on his new tough guy persona, Hafley has the entire football team on a new practice regimen, which he claims will “make everyone rue the day they crossed Jeff Eggbert Hafley” (yes, his legal middle name is Eggbert). The Classic spoke with BC running back Katchmi Ifhucan (MCAS ’25) about the new training schedule. Katchmi said, “After that press conference, Coach Hafley came into the locker room so mad that his hair had turned into a burning flame on his head. He told us that we’d need to adjust to the ‘new mean Jeff.’”
Katchmi added, “These new drills sure are something though. He has us running backs practicing raising one leg and winding up before we run. Now I run so fast that I leave a cloud of smoke behind and my jersey and helmet stay suspended in the air for a bit before dropping. Our defensive line is looking great too! Yesterday I saw a lineman hit another player so hard into the wall that they went straight through, leaving a person-shaped hole. When they poked their head out of the hole, their tongue was hanging out of their mouth and there were little blue birds tweeting around their head.”
BC football fans are hopeful for the rest of the season and will rejoice at all of the bonks, thunks, shazams, kerplunks, and whoopwhoopwhoopwooooooooos that will soon emanate from Alumni Stadium.