Shocking: 23andMe Results Reveal Baldwin The Eagle Is 12% Hawk
YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER — Boston College’s beloved mascot, Baldwin the Eagle, may not be what he seems. According to university sources, the eagle was administered a DNA analysis after a concerning display of “suspicious hawk-like behavior.”
The results, revealed Monday, show Baldwin is a mind-boggling 12% hawk — not the pure-blooded eagle BC students have cheered for, taken pictures with, and trusted for years.
When choosing the eagle as Boston College’s mascot in 1920, Rev. Edward McLaughlin said, “It is important that we adopt a mascot to preside at our pow-wows and triumphant feats…. And why not the Eagle, symbolic of majesty, power, and freedom?”
If only Rev. McLaughlin could see his eagle now.
The test results also showed trace amounts of falcon and beagle. BC students reported feeling “shocked”, “upset”, and “aroused.”
When asked for a quote, Baldwin could barely speak as sobs wracked his weak little bird bones.
“Why should I be punished for my mother’s misdeeds? Should a son bear the sin of his mother’s adultery?” he said before being overcome by sorrow. Baldwin then flew back to his nest, cawing all the way.
The university has not commented on its next steps, but rumors suggest that Baldwin may soon be joining the unemployment line, to be replaced by a new, younger, and hotter bird. Current polling places the Atlantic puffin or the sultry flamingo as the most likely to earn the nomination.