The Sun Puts University Counseling Services Out Of Business
GASSON HALL — The Boston College community was shaken up on Monday afternoon following an announcement from University Counseling Services (UCS) that their doors would permanently close due to the recent, unexpected return of The Sun. The news follows several days of sunshine and clear skies, which distracted students from the stress and seasonal depression upon which University Counseling Services once depended.
While most spring fever outbreaks reduce mental health needs on campus, this year’s sunny stretch has been particularly potent, according to UCS officials.
“I’ll be honest, when we looked at the forecast for the next two weeks, we knew we were fucked,” said UCS chairperson Dr. Sigmund Noid. “High temperatures, blue skies, and Danny brought spikeball? It’s a psychiatrist’s nightmare!”
Students have taken the recent developments in stride. “I’ve been loving this weather!” reported Amanda Huggins (MCAS ‘23). “No need to unpack trauma or schedule teletherapy appointments when you can sit outside with your friends!”
The Sun was unavailable for comment, and three staff writers were blinded after attempting to reach out.
At press time, therapists were seen tearfully clearing out their offices and ordering hammocks and fun sunglasses on Amazon.