“Don’t Travel During Columbus Day Weekend” Say Lochhead, Comeau From Helm Of The “Pinta”
HolidaysWTF October 12, 2020 The New England Classic
WEST INDIES — Executive Vice President Michael Lochhead and Director of University Health Services Dr. Douglas Comeau were spotted by a source close to The Classic early Monday morning, steering a replica version of Christopher Columbus’s Pinta on some sort of homage reenactment in the Caribbean Sea. The news follows an announcement which “ask[ed] all members of the BC community not to travel during the Columbus Day Weekend” in a September 30 email.
Lochhead and Comeau were reportedly dressed in 15th-century regalia, consuming vast quantities of Spanish mead. The ship was not able to adhere to social distance guidelines, due to the on-board presence of three wenches by the names of “Crystal Colombussthatass”, “Sinnamon Spycetrade”, and “Trixie Transatlanthicc”. While the two were taking “a break from social media” this weekend, their ship’s route could be easily tracked by a trail of red solo cups and Trojan™ prophylactic wrappers floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
Neither figure could be reached for comment by conch phone, but The Classic was able to contact their frequent counterpart, Joy Moore, Boston College’s Vice President for Student Affairs.
“I told those fuckers to call it Indigineous People’s Weekend, not Columbus Day in their email, so I can’t say that I’m surprised. We’ve been known that they’re closeted covid-deniers.” Moore declined to comment as to whether her discontent stemmed from not being invited this weekend.
At press time, Lochhead and Comeau were reportedly puking their guts out due to scurvy-related complications. 
