An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy
After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. The following account is entirely factual, but all names and fluids have been removed for purposes of anonymity and cleanliness.
8:30 PM: I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After performing the secret knock specified on the invitation, I was ushered into the room by a member of the club. I was shocked to see the sheer number of invitees. Scantily-clad and sexually prime students of all classes, shapes, genders, and races were represented. Truly the most diverse gathering I’ve seen on campus in my time at BC. As we waited for everyone to arrive, I attempted to make small talk to no avail. Most of the discussion centered around the demolition of Jesuit values on BC’s campus.
8:45 PM: Once everyone had trickled in, I assumed we would jump right into the frantic, mindless fucking. Instead, in what appeared to be some kind of bizarre foreplay, one member of the group stood up and asked, “Should Students for Sexual Health (SSH) be permitted to distribute contraceptives to their peers and hold meetings on campus, without receiving official University recognition or funding?” Then, in what can only be described as ritualistic fashion, each member of the group responded “yes.” One word, no more. Each participant was more excited than the last to express their unwavering support for the movement. When it was my turn to answer I had no choice but to agree.
9:00 PM: After the mock referendum, things started to heat up. I attempted to lighten the mood by asking if anyone had a condom–a dumb joke, but I had to give it a shot. Rather than laughs, I was met with a barrage of condoms–both male and female–from all sides. These people weren’t fucking around when it came to fucking.
9:15 PM: Once consent had been expressed by all parties, the bumping ‘n’ grinding commenced. In what I can only imagine was a fairly standard orgy, members of the SSH ripped each other’s clothes off and went to town. With the exception of the smell, it was a pleasant evening. The only aspect that really stood out to me was dirty talk. It primarily revolved around the results of a survey conducted by the SSH last semester. “79.9 percent of students are or have been sexually active while enrolled as a BC student,” one woman screamed passionately. “70.2 percent either disagree or strongly disagree with the statement “I feel comfortable reaching out to my university (administrators, counselors, health services) with questions and concerns regarding my sexual health,” shouted one student while being vigorously spanked. And when I attempted to remove my condom, I was repeatedly asked if I was a member of the “48.5 percent of respondents who indicated that they have never been tested for HIV or STIs.”
11:00 PM: It’s safe to say that the Students for Sexual Health got what they wanted–I’m no longer a supporter of Jesuit values on campus.